Thursday, March 13, 2014

National Joe Day

Americans love holidays. Americans have made up holidays for every single day of the year. They’re obsessed. Want proof? Today, March 13, is Popcorn Lover’s Day, Ear Muff Day, and Jewel Day. Also it is National Bubble Week. 

Popcorn Lovers Day was created in 2012. You’re supposed to eat popcorn on this day. I don’t want to eat popcorn on a specific day just because it’s Popcorn Lovers Day. I eat popcorn when I feel like eating popcorn and it’s usually not March 13. Who decided we were going to have a day where everyone was forced to eat popcorn? I think March 14 should be Popcorn Haters Day. To appreciate the suffering anyone who hates popcorn might have had to go through on March 13.

Ear Muff Day. Why are we celebrating the ear muff in March? I mean, here in Central Oregon this is the first week of spring weather we’ve had. It’s over fifty degrees and we’re out seizing the chance to wear shorts and t-shirts. Everyone’s trying not to even think about ear muffs, and other things like warm gloves and snow coats. If we must have Ear Muff Day, why not have it in December when people are still happy about winter and snowflakes? My biggest question, however, is why we must have an Ear Muff Day.

Jewel Day. They say they don’t know the origins of this holiday. I think it’s simple. Jewel Day was created by jewelers to boost sales in March, because of the dramatic difference in sales between February, the Month Of Valentine’s Day, and March, The Month Of Daylight Savings Time. Maybe buying jewelry is supposed to cheer everyone up after they had to wake up an hour early.

How are we supposed to know about these holidays? Is there a “Lame Holiday Publicity Association”? What kind of people come up with these things? “Oh my gosh, there is no assigned holiday for March 19th! Let’s make it…um…Poultry Day! Yeah!”

One weird holiday I can understand is National Joe Day, March 27th. Every “Joe” I’ve ever known would leap at the chance to have a holiday like this. They would probably say that you have to do something crazy and awesome on National Joe Day. 

Here are my instructions for National Joe Day:
1: Pick someone you know named Joe. It would probably be wise to choose a Joe that you know fairly well.
2: Acquire a coconut cream pie that you do not intend to eat.
3: Take the pie and hide behind a corner that Joe is going to walk by.
4: As he walks by, step out and mash the pie into Joe's face. A gentle push and twist is advised to spread the pie everywhere. Drag the pie down his front as it drops and while he is still motionless from shock.
5: Escape. Make sure your escape plan gets you out of the area.
6: Avoid Joe entirely for several days.
7: Be cautious around Joe for the rest of your life.

Eat popcorn, wear ear muffs and jewelry, and prepare for National Joe Day!